Samson Agonistes 3

Photography has taken up a fair bit of my emotional energy and time lately. The visual world competes with the interior world for my attention. In fact both realms are cluttered and chaotic and lacking in any order or serenity. As far as the real world outside is concerned, it is possible to isolate various pleasing compositions from the surrounding clutter by framing them in the mind’s eye and so extract them for relaxed appreciation and contemplation. I can get a great deal of satisfaction simply by creating an imagined frame which can contain visual objects for my pleasure and amusement and exclude that which does not please.

The small pot on the ledge of the window overlooking the stairs always pleases me. The pot is lit in various interesting ways depending on the time of the day. The print of Durer's Mary and Child is hung on the wall at the foot of my bed and gives me pleasure every morning and night. It is still fresh and appealing even though it is months since I hung it there. The contrast between the serenity of Mary and the energy and liveliness of the baby creates such a powerful dynamic effect. The impact of the perspective is such that Mary seems to be offering the wriggling child to the viewer.

As for my interior world, because it is multi-dimensional, I find it much harder to choose from the plethora of competing stimuli that inhabits it that needs examination. Therefore as for my autobiographical efforts, though I've been thinking rather than writing, the intensity of the thought and the excruciating nature of it guarantees that I will get back to the key-board again, even if it's just an attempt to release pressure from an exploding brain.

I've had a look at the book that Lady Muck lent me and enjoyed the analysis of the piece by John Berger in the Autobiographical Writing chapter. But because of the turbulence in my skull I find it hard to read. Been getting a few insights -- of the kind that I always knew, but didn't know I knew. One that I need to explore is important to my quest for self understanding. It relates to a deep seated puritanism. Perhaps that's not the right word -- it's about being uncomfortable about spending resources on frivolity and "unessential" pursuits. I have not explained myself -- that's why I want to explore it – but I know I feel uneasy, even guilty, spending time on any creative activity merely for its own sake.